Has Anyone Got A Spare £1000 so I can Go Back To Aus?

Well dudes and dudesses, I'm back in the 'land of hope and glory' and it fucking sucks. After a smooth transition from Sydney to Tokyo and Tokyo to London, my first experience of the Motherland is to find out that my flight from London to Manchester has been delayed. I'm currently paying 10p a minute for the privilege of using a computer that doesn't work properly in Heathrow Airport. It really is great to be home.

Completely uneventful flight right through to London. Although I did, somewhere over Siberia, think of a great reworking of Living On A Prayer, it went something like this: 'Oh I'm half way there, oh oh I'm flying Japan Air'.

I'll get my coat.

Goodbye and stay in touch,
Rich

The Saga Continues . . .

Hello, it's only me again. Still in Australia, still writing you e mails about stuff you don't care about.

It would appear at first glance that the story couldn't get any better: Police, cartoon style escapes, illegal immigrants and pizza. That's right I'm talking about the Tale of Billy Woo and unbelievably the story takes yet another surreal and bizarre twist.

As I told you a few days ago George and I arrived back in Sydney, and as we were heading down towards Scruffy Murphy's to eat copious amounts of steak we saw a very Billy Woo-esque poster on a lamp post. So we called the number just on the off chance it was them. At this point I must mention that the Oscar for The Worlds Shittest Accent Ever has to be awarded to George for his attempt at being Swedish. Somehow they didn't see through this piss poor attempt at being Scandinavian and arranged to meet us.

Still unsure it was actually Billy Woo and Maggie May(his wife/girlfiend appears to be named after a Rod Stewart song) we decided that rather than be blatantly obvious and stand on the street corner we would try and hide from view. We failed. One can only deduce that they spotted us 'cos less than 1 minute after we'd called them to tell them we'd arrived we got a call back from a man who was quite blatantly James(Billy Woo's Australian name for those of you that are confused) feeding us some bullshit about the current lease not expiring so we wouldn't be unable to move in. Now I guess you're all thinking that this is a story based completely on hear say and speculation and I would have tended to agree with you if I hadn't seen the man with my very own eyes.

Bill and Mags as I've now taken to calling them, went cruising past me in a customised sports car that must have set them back at least $30,000, I really couldn't believe my eyes. Bill was even sporting a very fashionable Burberry jacket, the chav.

In other matters Billy Woo related i.e. Billy Woo the Orange Station Waggon not the Chav landlord. It would appear that we are unable to sell it because it needs a road worthy test doing on it in Queensland. Now there are 2 problems with that 1) it's not in Queensland and 2) it's not roadworthy.

Before we knew this however, we tried to sell it to what we thought was an unsuspecting backpacker. Now this wasn't any ordinary backpacker looking for a cheap car with free fluffy dice (they're still up for grabs if any one wants them, otherwise they're going on E-Bay). For a start she was German, a race known for their insistence on everything being Right (political joke there for all you fascism buffs) secondly she was a lesbian, no big deal I know but when tied with the next bit of info you'll see where I'm going, thirdly and finally she was a mechanic. That's right, the only person that's answered our advert was a MECHANIC!!!!! Not only that but a GERMAN! LESBIAN! MECHANIC!!!!! She didn't buy the car. However, she did ever so kindly point out that there was a hole in the engine, yep that's right kids, we drove 7000kms with a hole in the engine. Apparently that's where all the oil kept mysteriously kept disappearing to.

Unperturbed by such a fact we kept on with our plan to sell the car and by crikey we almost did at a cut down price of $500 until the small matter of transfer papers came up. As Australian law stipulates you need these to sell a car and I've had enough run in's with the Police out here not to bother with another one. Something along those lines that I forgot to tell you about, I got a call from the fraud squad before we left for our roadtrip. I'll tell you all about that when I next see you cos it takes a lot of explaining, even more so than what can be fitted into one of these rambling diatribes I keep insisting on sending you.

So basically the car is unsellable and we've made a tremendous loss of $1500. On the upside I get to keep a number plate as a souvenir, Woo Hoo!

Any-who, I really do promise this is the last e mail I'll send you from out here. Maybe.
Auf Weirdersein,
Rich

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane, Don't Know When I'll Be Back Again

Hey ho party people, just giving you an update on my life on Australia, incidentally this should be my FINAL update of my time out here. This may come as a surprise to some of you but my reasons for this are twofold:
I) I've got no money. George and I rolled into Sydney 20 mins ago with $19.86c between us and the thought of doing more telesales makes me want to run to the hills and become a monk
ii) It's fucking freezing cold. That's right, I'm heading back to the 'tropics' of West Yorkshire to escape cold Australia.

Anyway, now that that revelation is out the way I'll bring you up to date with yet more of my capers. I seem to remember my last e-mail was sent when I was in Alice Springs, I went all indigenous in Alice and bought myself a Didgeridoo and 2 boomerangs (obviously not so indigenous that I learnt how to spell the words properly though) and that really was it for my time there. It is a little bit crap actually.

No new problems with the car in Alice so then it was onwards and downwards(?!) to Ayres Rock or Uluru to those in the know. Please excuse me whilst I go a bit hippy on you all, but Ayres really is beautiful man,the weird colours it turned when the sun was setting on it was something special and it made the whole trip to Australia worth while. Definitely a top 3 moment, shame my pictures of it are shit though. Climbing the Rock was cool if not tiring, although George and I did get into somewhat of an altercation with a German halfway up which led us to write another 'comedy' song that used the rhyming couplet of 'Ayres Rock' and a 'German that was a cock'. The new Lennon and McCartney I'm sure you'll all agree. Also the accelerator on the car began to cry for help around this point.

It was then onwards towards Coober Pedy. Now, I have a bone to pick with Coober Pedy. I was promised an underground mining town, and that it is not. It is a ghost town that is above ground, liars. Although I did stay in an underground hostel, when I say hostel I mean cave but it was cool all the same. It was a short stop in Coober Pedy, basically a quick visit to a Opal Mining Museum, were the decision was made that we were to sell 'The Woo' buy Sonar equipment and make our fortune mining Opals. We didn't do that, although we did find a man that had done pretty much that and well, basically, he didn't make a fortune either.

With Coober Pedy done and dusted with it was down to Port Augusta. Just a stop over on the way to Adelaide, although a couple of curious things did happen there. The ever so reliable Lonely Planet recommended a hostel to us that didn't even exist, so a caravan park it was. The caravan we were allocated was not in the 21st century. Floral Curtains and bedspreads, manual televisions, coin slot machines for the electricity, plastic purple and chrome chairs and a two bar fire made it all feel very 1970's. The caravan was an inspiration for another comedy song called 1975. I truly am a creative genius. Also, South Australian McDonald's have the best menu's in the world, triple cheeseburgers and double quarter pounders, I was in heart attack heaven. The boot on the car broke in Port Adelaide so we now can't open it without a crow bar and a swift kick in the right place. We were still moving though so everything was good and the next stop was to be Adelaide.

Psychologically, Adelaide spelled the end of the outback for us, although it technically finished about 1000kms previously, but details are a mere triviality. Whilst in Adelaide we bumped into Jonathan, and, short of having wenches for our road trip he traveled with us so he could complete his lap of the country and see big things, I'll get to that in a minute though. Whilst in Adelaide I sampled a Pie Floater - basically a meat pie in pea soup, nicer than it sounds actually, drank in the pub where alcho-pops were invented (I felt like a chav for the evening) and saw a few museums. Adelaide is a REALLY boring place.

About these big things, don't worry our roadtrip didn't turn into some kind of gay cruise, for some reason Australia has a fascination with building big replicas of things. Just outside of Adelaide was the worlds biggest rocking horse, I climbed it and got a sticker, I'm so proud. It was also at this here rocking horse that I managed to throw the car keys inside the car chassis. We therefore have a big hand shaped hole in the bottom of the car from where they were retrieved. I've also seen a giant plastic lobster and a giant plastic sheep. My life can't get any better.

Adelaide soon led into Melbourne but not before we had an overnight stay in a place I can't remember the name of. It was here we got stopped by the Police for driving in an odd manner, my 6th run in with the Australian law enforcers! The nameless place was also where the car battery basically stopped working. The Woo can only be jump started now.

As I say, Melbourne was the next major stop on the tour via the Great Ocean road and everything that that entails - some great views and even greater photo opportunities. We only stayed in Melbourne one night before moving out to near by St Kilda. Whilst in Melbourne we went to watch an AFL game at the MCG. Hawthorne vs Melbourne, a very confusing game of kick and catch with fighting thrown in so people have something to cheer. Hawthorne won 128-89 so I am therefore a Hawthorne fan for life.

In an e mail I sent many moons ago I described my encounter with Steve Irwin, and said that the Neighbours night would have to go some to beat that experience. Safe to say it did. With cherries on top. In the morning Jonathan, George and I went on the tour of Ramsey Street and the school, it was so weird actually being there but I felt it was a seminal moment in my life. In the afternoon we tried to the whole thing again for nothing by chasing the tour bus in Billy Woo, but due to my bad navigational skills rearing their head again and a lack of sufficient chase music we didn't succeed. In the evening we were then to meet the 'stars' of the show. And what stars they were, Karl Kennedy, Toadie and Paul Robinson, a great trio in anyone's book. I got shitfaced, Toadie signed my shoe and Karl sang Football's Coming Home, a great night, shame Izzy wasn't there though.

From Melbourne, it was then Canberra. Boring, boring place, a few photos of a few buildings and then we left.

The rest of yesterday and this morning we were in the Blue Mountains which were pretty spectacular and, now, against all the odds I'm back in Sydney, where, as I've already said, my trip reaches its conclusion.

Sorry that was such a long e-mail but I've just driven, well, being a passenger, for 7000kms so I had a bit of a tale to tell.

I'd just like to say thanks to all the people I've met out here for all the great memories, and also for those things I can't remember for one reason or another(goon, mainly), hopefully we can all meet up again when your respective travels finish. And to all you guys back home, as if uni exams weren't bad enough, you're gonna have to put up with me again, I should be back with you in about about a week, so get ready for that, it promises to be a mildly entertaining occasion.

I'm going to eat steak, drink beer and take a photo of a Sports Ute so its cheerio for now,
Rich

Fear and Loathing In The Outback

Yo Yo Yo, I hope this e-mail finds you all well, just thought I'd let you know what I'm up to at the minute. As I told you last time, I'm no longer employed and so staying in Brisbane seemed like a daft idea 'cos I was just spending money I didn't have. My next step may come as a little bit of a surprise to you though, George and I are currently in the process of driving through the Outback in a 20 year old station wagon.

This rather madcap idea came upon us around 2 weeks ago now when we were sat on the hostel roof drinking goon. The conversation was going down many a dead end when we finally stumbled upon the fact that I should start thinking about leaving the Palace Hostel as I had been there 72 nights and counting. The logical thing for me to do would have been to fly back up to Cairns and resume my Greyhound Bus ticket round the rest of the country which I had paid over $1000 for. For one reason or another however, and my suspicions are that 4 liters of Coolabah had something to do with it, I decided that flying to Cairns was a stupid idea and a much more sensible one was for George and I to pool our resources and buy a car older than the person that would be driving it and head off into one of the most arid, inhospitable areas the world has to offer. And that we did.

We are now the proud owners of a 1986 Toyota Corona (yep, you read that right that's Corona not Corolla, they even name their cars after beer out here) which cost us the sum total of $1500 or 614 quid in real money. We need this thing to get us all the way back to Sydney, something I fear may not happen, but with fingers crossed and the wind blowing in the right direction we might just about make it.

Now as I'm sure you're all aware the naming of a motor vehicle is very important indeed and we undertook this task extremely seriously. For some reason, I think it could well have been the goon again, we decided we were gonna be Pirates of the Highway and so the car was named The Jolly Rodger for a while. We actually ran with this idea for a few days, even assigning ourselves new names: Captain Pugwash(Me) and Captain Jack Sparrow(George) but alas it was not to be. We abandoned the name for a couple of reasons, namely, a) it was crap and b) we couldn't recruit ourselves a wench in time for setting sail. It was therefore back to the drawing board and after much deliberating we've settled on Billy Woo in honour of the Houdini alike Oriental landlord, a fitting tribute to a great man. So there you have it, the third car I've owned despite never having had a driving license is Billy Woo the orange station wagon.

Before the road trip had even begun however, we managed to run the battery flat, which resulted in me pushing it up and down Roma Street car park for a couple of hours to get it jump started. The signs were ominous to say the least and our impending doom was becoming ever more apparent.

Things were not to get much better, when, on the day we did hit the road, my fantastic navigating skills managed to get us lost half an hour outside Brisbane. Once we managed to get back on the road, my task for the next few days was over, George however had 5 days of solid driving ahead of him. That first evening we wound up in a place called Mitchell, not through any pre-planned route, but more to do with the fact that the gear box didn't, in the strictest sense of the word, work.

Mitchell was an experience. What was meant to be a couple of quiet beers before retiring for an early night to attack the long drive the next day turned into something else and more besides. We were treated like minor celebrities for the evening due to our exotic nature i.e. we weren't related to everyone else in the town. We ended up playing pool with a Sheep shearer called Brogan and his mate Whiskers (he had a beard) before being taken off to another pub to meet up with his Kangaroo hunting friends. One of whom, and this is no word of a lie, was married to his own cousin. Mitchell will forever have a place in my heart.

The next day after getting the car checked out, it turned it had no oil in the gear box something which apparently does not make for the smooth running of a car, we ploughed on towards Longreach. This though almost ended in another run in with the Australian Police. To break up the driving for George, I decided that I would take the wheel for an hour and as luck would have it just as we'd got moving again 2 of Queensland's finest Bobbies in Blue came careering past. Bloody typical! I pulled over 20 minutes later.

It was after arriving in Longreach and having an extensive chat with my Dad about the perils of Outback driving, George and I decided we were not best prepared for our trip. Our shopping list before we set off consisted of, amongst other things, comedy hats, aviator sunglasses, furry dice and an inflatable Kangaroo. In my eyes these were all essential items for an outback road trip. Apparently though, RAC cover, a mobile phone that worked and letting the Police know your intended destination were also supposed to be on the list. A point which, to my astonishment, turned out to be true when the car broke down about an hour outside Mount Isa. Something called the timing belt had broken, I don't know what a timing belt is but it turns out that you need an unbroken one to make the car move. It is also something that costs $500. Oh, and the ever such kind mechanic mentioned in passing that our exhaust has got a leak and the gearbox still doesn't work properly. Please spare a thought for us in your prayers.

Following on from Isa we stopped in a place called Camooweal and it was here we stayed in an old lady's spare bedroom before heading on to Alice Springs, a fair old trek of 1000km. We decided, after about 800km in 1 day that it was perhaps not a good idea to keep going. Especially as the Kangaroos come out at night and we didn't want to contribute to the Roadkillometer(a basic concept that involves counting the amount of animals that have been knocked down), and so we stopped in a place called Ti-Tree. It was only after we had paid to stay here that I found out that an English backpacker was murdered there about 4 years ago. And we were gonna be sleeping in our car, it was in astonishment that I woke up the next day to find myself alive - Happy Days!!! It did however, lead us to write a song called Dead Before Midnight, an ode to our impending doom.

Anyway that was yesterday and today is today and I'm now sat in an Internet cafe in Alice Springs rewriting this e-mail after I inadvertently deleted it once. I'll let you know if we break down again or indeed if we ever make it back to Sydney, but until then it's over and out,

Rich/Titch/Fred/Ricardo/Captain Pugwash (I really have picked up a fair few names in my life haven't I?!)

You Can't Fire Me, I Quit!

Hey Kids, here's yet another update in the life of the long distance traveler. I don't know quite how I and the people around me manage it but in the space of the week or so that you last heard from me some really rather odd stuff has happened.

Lets start off with perhaps the least surprising of the lot. Short of me being given the responsibility of being a team leader at my new job I did infact manage to receive the sack. A fine feat considering I'd only been at the place a total of 9 days. The reasons for this are numerous. A cocktail of me being really rather shit at telesales, turning up hungover almost everyday - especially the day I got the push where I turned up 3 and half hours late with only 2 hours of the shift left and then preceded to go on a half hour unscheduled lunch break, and making prank phone calls to the customers. To be fair when you've got to call a Mr P. McCartney it's only reasonable behaviour to try and get the titles of as many Beatles songs in to the conversation as possible. I fell down at Yellow Submarine though.

Getting the sack wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't spent the thick end of $200 getting back here to earn extra money. At current count my money making adventure has cost me about $150. Even better than that though, and this is a fact I'm actually quite proud of, the boss that sacked me used to be a journalist for The Sun and The Daily Star, although he didn't sack me using a comedy pun like I expected him to.

Now, if the fact that one of my 2 managers was a former tabloid journalist wasn't bad enough, the story takes a nose-dive (or hits its peak depending on your view point) when I tell you about my other manager. Ben, a friendly chap from the Gold Coast got kicked out of the hostel last night. Not for not paying for his dorm room or getting involved in a fight or something equally reasonable, oh no, he got kicked out for pissing in somebody's suitcase. And I was deemed not good enough to work with these people - I'm a university graduate Godammit! Also, the office I worked in was located directly over a strip club, so every cloud has a silver lining.

In further news, I witnessed perhaps one of the funniest things I have ever seen the other day. Whilst sitting on the first floor balcony at the hostel playing Fuck The Shithead (a new drinking game George and I have devised) and drinking goon I saw a fight break out between an Abo and a white guy. This may not sound that funny but the fact that they appeared to have reached rather impressive levels of intoxication made it so. A one point the white guy got knocked down and was so pissed he couldn't stand up so instead appeared to perform some kind of weird primal breakdancing. That was about the only punch thrown in this 'brawl' they instead both just danced around shadow boxing and somehow ended up in the middle of the cross roads at a 4 way junction before 3 Police cars came screaming up the road and took them both away. It made my week, if only I hadn't broken my camcorder it would have definitely won the 25 quid prize on You've Been Framed.

In other news this week, I have found out numerous things that a didn't know about goon. One that it is sometimes referred to as the Abo's Briefcase or Abo's Handbag depending on the gender of said Aboriginal. Another is that if you've got past the getting it out the box stage and your down to the real dregs blow the bag up and you can get a little more out. Another thing is that if you've got a few unfinished bags that have been lying around for a couple of weeks don't fear you don't need to throw them out. Combine them in the same mug and the disgustingness of each of the individual bags cancel each other out. Hope that helps.

Anyway, I think that's about it for now, there was something else I had to report but I can't for the life in me remember what it was.
Yours Sincerely,
Rich

We All Live In A Convict Colony

Right, if you thought the last e-mail you received from me was overly vitriolic then you ain't seen nothing yet. The reason for such a rapid follow up e-mail from me is that some fucking twat has just broken in to my hostel room and thieved my mobile phone, Georges mobile, camera and watch and some other dudes phone, camera and mini disc player. The fucking pikey scumbag. And what made it worse was the Australian Police were absolutely no fucking use what so ever. Their advice was to go round the pawn shops and try and find the stuff - no shit Sherlock, I mean I know the country was founded on a boat full of convicts but I thought their police would have evolved some what from the criminal underworld masterminds they used to be into upstanding respectable members of society that would do anything to help out a backpacker in need. Apparently not.

Anyway, although I was ever so slightly miffed by that happening, the thing that really agitated me was that my travel insurance ran out 2 days ago and so I don't get any money for it. TWO DAYS, I mean, that really is a kick in the crotch isn't it eh?

In other Police related news, George and I almost inadvertently got ourselves arrested the other day for staging a sit down protest in a camera shop. Bizarre as that may sound we did have a valid reason for it, they had duplicated the wrong set of photos for us and were refusing to print the other set for free, and of course there is no more heinous crime than that. So this resulted in me sitting on the shop counter and not getting off when told to do so and George telling other customers not to buy anything from the shop because, and I quote, "they are fucking scam merchants". I also told a man at least 30 years my senior to grow up and act his age. Anyway, the police were called after I called the owner of the shop a bell end. In the end we got a $25 reduction on the 2nd set of prints before the Police arrived and made a swift exit.

In other Richard related news, I've got myself another job. I'm working for the chief rivals of the last telephone company I worked for, I'm just a telecommunications whore really. I've also been offered the chance of being a team leader within the next month so I may be staying out here longer than expected, we'll have to see how that goes though. Also, my watch has stopped working - not major news I know but annoying all the same.

Anyway, if you would all be kind enough to e-mail me your mobile numbers that would be much appreciated.
Thanks guys,
Rich

1 Step Forward and 2 Steps Back

Hello, this e mail may lack some of the suave wit and charm of my previous correspondences 'cos I'm tired, hung over and pissed off. No change there then I hear you cry! The reasons for my current state are numerous. Mainly that it's 6 o'clock in the morning and I've just missed a fucking plane, more of that in a second.

You know that song that says: 'money don't make the world go round?' It's bollocks. Having had a top time doing touristy stuff up the east coast from Brisbane to Cairns and getting up to all kinds of shenanigans in between, I'm now heading back to Brisbane to get yet another job 'cos I've spent all my friggin' money again. Can someone please tell me how I managed to spend $700 on food and drink in just 2 weeks? Answers on a post card please 'cos I've got no fucking idea how I managed to do it.

I'm actually meant to be on a plane from Cairns to Brisbane at this exact second but because me and George are drunken lazy fools we woke up 18 minutes before the flight was due to leave. We still made it with 2 minutes to spare, a rather impressive feat I may add, although apparently we were meant to be there at least 30 minutes before the flight left. Nuts. Damn the Woolshed and it's wet t-shirt contest. Only another 9 hours to wait until the next plane leaves!

Since I last spoke to you I've done some really good stuff and, well, some really shit stuff too. We'll start with the shit stuff and work our way up to the good stuff. After the amazing time i had on Fraser island we headed up to Bundaberg to do a bit of work to top up the money pot. This plan was foiled however when i earned $40 for 12 hours work picking zuccinies. I don't even know what a bloody zucchini is, or how to spell it for that matter! Up at 5 in the morning bent double (sounds a bit risque doesn't it) with a little kitchen knife chopping these little green veggies/fruits (no idea which it was) was hell on earth. By the end of my second day everytime i closed my eyes all I could see was these bastard things, weird to say the least. So, reverting back to my old form of quitting jobs less than a week in, I claimed a back injury and quit. Whilst in Bundy I decided to look into my family history there and the claims that my great grandfather was one of the towns founding fathers. Unfortunately that appeared to ever so slightly, well, completely, untrue. He was, however, born there so that means I'm an 8th inbred hick. Also in Bundy i went to the rum factory, although we somehow managed to go on one of the only days that the factory was not operational as all the workers were on their Easter holidays and the vats of sugar were being cleaned - 2 free samples of rum helped ease the pain though. In summary Bundaberg is shit.

After Bundy we went up to Airlie Beach for the Whitsundays. Airlie is a pretty cool place and it has a drive through bottle shop. Did I hear someone mention the words 'drink driving' - surely not, we all know Aussies are responsible drinkers after all. The Whitsundays were absolutely awesome, definitely on a par with Fraser and i hate to break the news to fans of the Crocodile Hunter, better than Australia Zoo. Whitehaven Beach is absolutely beautiful but the highlight has got to be scuba diving on the barrier reef, even if I did have to go up for air at one point 'cos I swallowed a load of water. Oops! We had a good group on the boat: 7 of us from Fraser, 5 other english people, 2 Irish, 3 Spaniards that the boat's skipper (who bared a striking resemblance to Toadie from Neighbours) dubbed Team Espana, 1 Italian and 3 Swedes. Goon was drunk and spilt in equal proportions but a good time was had by all.

After Airlie we technically went to Townsville. I say technically cos we got off the coach went to the hostel and got back on the coach again the next day. I'm such a shit tourist.

It was pretty much the same story in Cairns although we did get to see a bit more of the City. Not through any pre-planned route taking in all of the city's major attractions but rather getting lost whilst looking for a McDonald. We ended up in a KFC which, I've eventually come to the conclusion, is shit. Why the fuck do their chips taste of curry out here?!

That's pretty much it for this update. I'm now finishing writing this back in the Palace backpackers in Brisbane - my 59th night here perhaps I need to find a flat! One thing of note did happen on the flight down here - I saw an Aboriginal with 4 toes, not that them being Aboriginal had anything to do with it but it was odd all the same.

Anyway that's it, thanks for putting up with the excessive use of expletives in this particular message but I was really pissed off when I started writing it,
Au Revior,
Rich

Sand, Sand, Goon, Sand, Dingo's and More Sand

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, here's just another one of those 'my life's so great' e-mails that you tend to get from me every now and again.

As you may have guessed from the heading of this email I've just got back from Fraser Island (the largest sand island in the world...Ever©) and I managed to avoid getting eaten by a dingo, shark or any other kind of weird Aussie animal, so it was a successful trip really. In all seriousness the place is amazing - Lake Mackenzie was cool, Eli Creek was wicked but fucking freezing, and rolling down the sand dune into Lake Wabby is something i won't forget in a hurry. The group i traveled with was pretty cool, it was me, George (yes that's right Sydney people the reunion has occurred and copious amounts of goon has been drunk to toast the good old days) 2 German girls, 2 Welsh girls, a welsh guy and 4 english girls.

One of the highlights of the 3 days though has to be playing Aussie Rules on the beach at 1 in the morning with some Aussie fishermen and another group of backpackers. When I say Aussie rules, it started off as that but because that game is so bloody weird it ended up as a game of full contact rugby union, i don't think the girls playing appreciated been floored by an 18st Irish guy too much. The Aussies we played against were SO Australian one of them was even called Bruce, and when asked if his name was really Bruce his response was perfect - "Yeah, Bruce, fair dinkum!" It was like playing rugby with Alf Stewart from Home and Away!!!

Other than that I've spent the majority of the time since you last heard from me working in Brisbane at a place called Avoncore, or as I have affectionately dubbed it Avonwhore (see I still haven't grown up at all since I left home) My crowning glory at the place has to be the day I quit when I turned up still pissed from the night before looking like an absolute sack of shit - I was so pissed when I quit I can't really remember it. The nights in Brisbane have tended to involve going up to the roof of the hostel drinking way too much goon so much infact that I accidentally mistook Rod Stewart for Hot Chocolate (as in the group that did You Sexy Thing not the drink) Just a quick hello to all you guys - hope everything's going well with you,I'mm quite disappointedd that Geoff Leopard hasn't called me recently though, such a shame 'cos that guy really was A1!!

After Brisbane me and George have been to Noosa, Australia Zoo (again) Hervey Bay and then to Fraser Island. I'm writing this from Bundaberg where I should be working for a couple of days before the Whitsundays and then up to Cairns via Townsville - so basically my plans to be back home in April have been a bit fucked up. I guess I should be back sometime around late May now.

Just one last thing, I just need to say a big fucking congratulations to my brother who's managed to get himself a job flying commercial jets for British Midland International. This means another money source for me - happy days!!

Well that's it for now, hope everything's going alright with all you guys and I'll catch up with you again soon,
Rich

Ps - Tom and Jimmy, I'm gonna be on a bloody sailing boat when Glastonbury tickets go on sale so if you could try to get my one that would be top, Cheers guys.

Tales of the Unexpected

Hi people, sorry it's been so long since my last update but I'm having to piece this together whilst I'm supposed to be working so it's taken me a fair while. To be honest I was expecting this e-mail to be about a paragraph long basically something along the lines of "work is shit, i can't wait to quit etc." Well it is shit and I can't wait to quit, but I have so much more to report.

The first momentous moment in my life I must mention is the night I discovered the Hungry Jacks 30c ice-creams. They are the dogs bollocks. Seriously. If you're in Aus you've gotta try one - especially combined with a mini Mars bar which are available from any good 7/11.

Secondly, something that doesn't exactly relate to my Oz adventure, but I found out a couple of days ago that the bass player from Franz Ferdinand was in the year above me at school. Apparently his mother used to be best friends with my mother and we crossed paths regularly. How cool/weird is that?!

Thirdly, something other than me being bored off my tits happened at work last week. The building had to be evacuated because of a bomb threat, which wouldn't have been too big a deal, but it just so happens that the place I work in is the biggest government building in Brisbane - I think there was the feeling that Osama and his band of merry men may have been up to a little bit of mischief again. However, rather than go to the evacuation point with everyone else me and Levi thought it would be a good opportunity to get in a bit of sunbathing before going back to work in the afternoon. This plan was somewhat foiled however when I got a call from my manager about 20 minutes later. The conversation went something like this:
Manager - where are you?
Me - sunbathing on the roof of my hostel, who's this?
Manager - it's Jason, your manager, you should be at work, get here now
Me - Ok I'll be there in 30 seconds

So I turned up half an hour later, ever so slightly worse for wear. Needless to say I wasn't much use that afternoon.

Finally, and this really is the greatest story ever told, is the Tale of Billy Woo. You may seem to remember that many moons ago that I moved into a 'flash' city centre apartment. My landlord was a quite pleasant if not ever so slightly eccentric Japanese gentleman (he was actually of undefined oriental origin, but for the sake of ever such slight racism, he was Japanese). His operations were always slightly shady, for example meeting us on a street corner to show us round the flat, not possessing any bank cards, giving us various names including James, Jack and Mike, not letting us have the mail room key 'cos that's where he got his mail sent (even though he had his own apartment) and generally just acting ever so slightly strangely.

Anyway, and please any of you that were actually there feel free to correct me on the details, the drama happened about a month ago now. In what became a long standing tradition whilst I was living in Sydney the people living in the flat got a little bit tipsy on goon (bargain wine in a box). From what I understand, one thing led to another, which led to a few people getting their hair shaved into mohawks, which led to said people going to the Casino until about 5 in the morning. On the way back, Darryl, who in my opinion was always a bit of a knob anyway, threatened the building cleaner. This obviously wasn't a good move, and the building management came up to the flat to investigate who had done it. On seeing the make shift wall in the flat, and I think the word 'wall' is generous especially after the vast majority of us had fallen through it at one time or another, the building owner started asking questions along the lines of 'what the fuck is that?'

A few minutes later after the building management had gone away 'James' came round to the flat in a very agitated state shouting at everyone asking what they've been doing and that they were causing him trouble etc etc. About 10 minutes later the building management came back asking to be let into the flat to speak to 'James'. However, on our little Japanese friends insistence, they were not let in and after a while returned with reinforcements, namely the Police. Once again the police started knocking on the door asking to be let in and 'cos 'James' owed a combined $3000 in bond money etc the police were refused entry. Thinking that 'James' must be holding them hostage or something they asked if they needed anything, to which Jonathan (it had to be didn't it?!) requested a pizza.

Whilst all this was going on 'James' was on his mobile phone for a good 10 minutes jabbering away whatever language it was he spoke. After he'd got off the phone he looked at his watch and said he had to go to a meeting and sauntered off into one of the bedrooms. A couple of minutes later, George came running into the living room shouting 'he's tying bed sheets together, he's tying bedsheets together!!' It appeared that my landlord was making an escape over the balcony in true cartoon style by absailing down 6 floors using bedsheets. He landed on some metal railings about 3 meters high on the ground level and hung there for a few minutes before looking up giving a cheeky grin and running away.

The reason behind all this madness is that my landlord James, was not infact called James as we had long suspected, his name was actually Billy Woo an illegal immigrant from Taiwan of 7 years standing. He had managed to build up a property portfolio of at least 3 city centre flats that must be worth at least $300,000 each, despite not having bankcards or any such thing. Quite genius when you think about it. Once the police finally made their way into the flat they were asking a lot of questions mainly, where the fuck did he go?. Amongst these questions, was, apparently, 'which one of you asked for the pizza?' As I understand it Jonathan replied 'Me. Is it ready yet?' Perfect.

And so goes the Tale of Billy Woo, hopefully I should have pictures of all this to send you soon. My ever so slightly mundane routine of going to work, eating and sitting on the hostel roof everyday pails in insignificance to this story so I won't take up anymore of your time with telling you about that.

I'm guessing you guys at uni must be coming up to the end of your last term before the exams so the best of luck to you all. And remember, if a work-shy slacker like myself can manage to get a 2:1 you guys should all be more than ok. To all the travelers hope everything is going well and if you're ever in doubt what to do, buy a box of Coolabah and the world will become a brighter place. Sorry it's been such a long message, but that's just the way it is when you've got relate the BEST STORY EVER!!!
Goodbye,
Rich

Update! Update! Update!

Here it is, what you've all been waiting for, an email from me! Right then, to start from the logical place i.e. the beginning, I left Sydney 2 or 3 weeks ago to embark on an 8 hour coach journey to Port Macquarie for a planned stop of 1 night before heading up to Byron Bay - my other option was to arrive in Byron at 4.15am something I wasn't too keen on doing! Anyway, me being me, ended up staying in Port Macquarie for 3 days and still arriving at Byron at 4.15am, just 2 days later than i'd planned on doing.

Port Mac was alright, not really much to do there, just a beach basically, it would've been perfect for a one day stop, but after 3 days of walking round doing fuck all it began to get a bit tedious.

My coach was due to leave at about 10.30 that evening but because I couldn't stand the thought of having to stay there another night I got to the coach stop about an hour early. Big mistake! I sat for the best part of an hour talking to an Aussie that claimed he was from Iceland, he was swigging vodka straight from the bottle and was already 2/3rds of the way through when I arrived so that may have explained his confusion in his own nationality!

Basically I went from one set of freaks to another, 6 hours on the coach later, I arrived at Byron Bay coach stop at 4.15 to be greeted by a couple of hippies and a stoned woman with no shoes on. That was four hours of fun I'll never forget, although I think I did quite well not to get murdered and/or raped!

Byron was a really chilled out place, nothing to do but sit on the beach all day and drink in the evening, the perfect life style really! The view from the lighthouse there when the sun set was something special, I didn't really want to leave the place but y'know onward and upward and all that.

When I was in Byron I took a day trip to Nimbin, that place, to put it in none polite terms, is fucking mental. Seriously, there were just people stoned out their heads everywhere, and so, as the old saying goes- when in Rome do as the Romans do. You couldn't walk 20 yards down the street without been offered weed, and when I was in a store I also got offered magic mushrooms. One day there was plenty long enough, if I'd stayed any longer, this e-mail would be making less sense than it is doing at the minute.

After the joys of Nimbin and Byron, I went to Surfers Paradise, which, to be honest, was shit. It was tackiness to the extreme, like Blackpool but with the good weather. The beach and sea there were really nice, but the night life, whilst plentiful, sucked. The hostel I was in organised a bar crawl type thing at a place called So Bar (see what they've done there? very witty indeed) the place was like, depending on where you know me from, Liquid, the Frontier, or the downstairs in Scruffy Murphy's. If Surfers hadn't been taken over by McDonald's et al. it would be a really nice place, but instead it's just average. Also, there aren't many actual surfers in Surfers Paradise.

From there I made the short journey up the coast to Brisbane. I like it here actually, it's pretty small compared to what I though it would be but it's alright. However, no matter what the city itself is like, it has got Australia Zoo, and where you get Australia Zoo, you get Steve Irwin! That's right, I had the honour of watching the man himself trying to 'death roll' a croc whilst throwing bits of meat at it. He is a fucking nutcase, more crazy than he appears on the TV. The Neighbours tour is gonna have to go some to beat that! I've also got a new job as an inbound telesales rep, but that's just kinda boring so I won't take up your time with the details.

Anyway that's it, sorry its been such a long email but I've actually done quite a bit in the last few weeks!

I'll let you know what else has gone on in a couple of weeks, but 'till then, it's goodbye,
Rich

Farewell To Sydney

Hey guys and gals, this is the last e-mail you'll get from me as a Sydney-sider (the technical name for one that dwells in Sydney I believe) as I leave to set off on my proper travels tomorrow (January 8th) It feels quite like leaving the UK all over again cos I've been living here for so long and got used to the lifestyle so much.

I'm basically going on a 3 month tour of the east of Oz taking in the following places (get ready for this it's a fucking long list): Blue Mountains, Hunter Valley (a wine growing region, HAPPY DAYS!!!) Port Macquarie, Byron Bay, Nimbin (Basically the hippy capital of the southern hemisphere, so once again HAPPY DAYS!!!) Gold Coast/Surfers Paradise, Brisbane, Fraser Island, Bundaberg, Airlie Beach, Whitsunday Islands, Townsville, Mission Beach, Cairns (I'm gonna stop here for a month and work with a bit of luck to earn some much needed cash), Port Douglas, Cape Tribulation, Alice Springs, Ayers Rock, Coober Pedy (an underground town - how cool is that!), Adelaide, Kangaroo Island, Barrossa Valley (yet another wine growing region) Glenelg, Balarat, Melbourne, St Kilda, Mornington Peninsula, Philip Island, Wilsons Promontory, Narooma, Canberra, Wollongong and then finally back to Sydney.

As I say that should take me about 3 months so I'll be back in Sydney in early April - I'm gonna stay there for another week or so and then head back to the UK so I should be home by about the 20th of April and then it'll be party party party!!!

As far as other stuff that's happened in the last few weeks - I had a drunk and debauched Christmas and New Year. I went down to Bondi Beach on Christmas day and the weather was shocking it was absolutely freezing cold, and no I'm not joking - a bit of a pain in the arse really but i drank my way through the cold we all then went back to our flat and cooked kangaroo on the BBQ - apologies to the vegetarians amongst you but it was pretty fucking nice. New years eve I went to watch the harbour bridge fireworks which was a pretty amazing sight - i spent the next 4 hours walking round Sydney with a few of my flat mates wishing everyone happy new year, one guy took offence and nearly punched me - I don't think he was having such a good time!

Since then I've just been chilling out and getting my trip sorted out, although I did go to Bondi for one last time yesterday and I've come away with some cracking sun burn. I also got told by an Aussie surfer that i was in 'the zone' I thought he was maybe complementing me at first for being an expert surfer but he was basically telling me to get out the way of people that could actually surf!!! I'm an English man on a surfboard - what did he expect.

Anyway, I'm going now 'cos I've just got a call to say someones bought some Emu and it's going on the BBQ any minute now (once again apologies to the vegetarians) and it's not everyday of your life you get a chance to eat Emu is it. I can't say when the next time I'm gonna e mail you all is cos I'm gonna be moving around so much but expect to hear from me sometime in the near future.

Until the next time,
Rich

A Christmas Message From The Land Down Under

Merry Christmas everyone, I write to you today as I have the afternoon off work (yes, that's WORK!!!) on another sunny Sydney Friday afternoon in late December. A few things have happened to me since I last wrote to you all.

First of all, I managed to end up in hospital last week! After inadvertently (i really shouldn't try to use complicated words when I don't know how to spell them) eating a cashew nut, not good when you've got a nut allergy, I was taken to hospital and put on a ventilator, adrenaline and a heart monitor for about 4 hours. All quite dramatic stuff really, however, when I got released i went straight to Domino's, perfect recovery food, and then back to my flat for cheap wine before going off to the pub. All that mixed with extra adrenaline in my body meant my heart rate was over 100 (i think it's meant to be around 60!!) Anyway, I'm still alive, which is nice.

On the work front, i actually managed to get a job and stick with it to the end of the contract and, no, that isn't a pig you see flying past your window! I was basically doing tele-marketing for American Express, really easy work, although I did managed to get sent home early one day for being a bit shit! It was my last day today, I'm meant to be there as I write this actually, but, I just couldn't be arsed.

Also since we last spoke I've taken up surfing, I'm not particularly good yet, although I've only been 4/5 times but it really is cool. It's a hell of lot harder than it looks on TV and I've had some pretty major 'wipe outs' (see, i even know the lingo now) although I'm really enjoying it, I've even bought my own wetsuit!

Amongst other things I've been doing I went to watch New Found Glory last night which was pretty good, not the best band ever, but still entertaining all the same. I've got tickets to go watch The Thrills on January the 6th which should be cool, plus The Killers are playing in Sydney tomorrow I haven't got a ticket yet but I'm tempted to buy one off the black market for a lot of money, but I'll let you know how that one goes.

However, despite all that I've had to save the best news until last. I've been keeping all news Neighbours related from you as I didn't want to ruin your enjoyment - there's some pretty weird and funny stuff coming - but i just couldn't keep this to my self. Stefan Dennis AKA Paul Robinson AKA one of the most classic Neighbours characters ever is BACK!!!! He burnt the whole of the Lassiders complex down as well. Absolute genius.

Anyway guys and girls, on that note i will sign off, if you don't hear from me before, have a merry Christmas and a happy new year, i will be spending mine on Bondi beach and at the harbour bridge respectively, but whatever you're doing - eat, drink and be merry!
Rich

G'Day!!

Hello people, I just thought I'd give you a quick update on what is happening in the wonderful life of me - as you may or may not be aware, it is my 22nd birthday today!!! As much as I'd like to be celebrating it with you wonderful people in the cultural Mecca that is Norwich or the sophisticated surroundings of Cleckheaton, being in this little old place called Sydney just about makes up for it.

Anyway now that the formalities are over, I am about to break some shocking news - I've got a job! Well I say I've got a job, that should be more like I had a job - I quit after 4 days, which to be fair is an improvement on my record of quitting after 2 hours in my last job. The job involved me getting a train out to the Sydney suburbs, and then walking around non-stop for 8 hours trying to sell people electricity. It wouldn't have been so bad except that it was 100% commission based and therefore I was earning the sum total of fuck all. Although it was technically my own business which kinda ruled!

Not to worry though, I've got an interview for another job on Monday which involves working in a call centre. It sounds pretty good I'll be getting paid about $18 an hour plus commission which ain't too shabby. The place sounds pretty cool - they give you free breakfast, they have a pool table and you can wear whatever you want so long as it isn't sandal's and because I'm not a twat I wouldn't be wearing them anyway. I've got to get a job against my will so I can pay for the city centre apartment I've moved into, which, incidentally has it's own swimming pool, gym and sauna. How fucking cool is that!!!!

Other than that I ain't done too much since you last heard from me, I went to Bondi which is absolutely amazing, yes that's right it's even better than Skegness. I've also been to King's Cross (on your advice Joe) If you don't know what King's Cross is, think pimps, whores and sex clubs and you're just about there. It's an interesting place to say the least.

Just one quick thing before I leave you - Tom can you get me jimmys e mail address because I am a useless cunt and have lost it.

Anyway, I've run out of things to say so I'm gonna stop typing and let you get back to your lives.
Speak to you later,
Rich

Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport!!

Yo Yo people, I arrived Sydney about a week ago now, I have to say it is pretty fucking awesome. I stopped over at Tokyo airport for a few hours which was pretty interesting to say the least. Unfortunately Adam, Joe and Nick: I didn't see Mikoto, I really thought it would be a reunion up there with the top emotional Hollywood blockbusters. If you don't know who Mikoto is I suggest you ignore that last bit.

Anyway back to all matters Australia, I've just been up to Sydney harbour bridge and the Opera house which is pretty mega, I still haven't got a job but I don't think it would surprise any of you to find that out. Oh yeah my youth hostel is pretty cool I'm sharing a room with three Germans and an American. Germans really are pretty fucking miserable race of people, although the three I'm with seem ok.

Anyway I'm gonna sign off now cos other than just walking around and seeing the sights I haven't really done much yet so I haven't really got anything more to say. E mail me back if you if want, if not, expect to hear an update from me in a few weeks when hopefully I'll be in Melbourne.

Oh and another thing, Tom could you try and get Damo's e mail address so I can e mail him. Nick could you do the same with Stratton, cheers.

Hope you're all enjoying lectures and/or work. To rub it in a bit more I'm going to Bondi Beach next week.
Rich